Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
