my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
