Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i wish my penis had a tongue
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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