My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
