at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
