my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
That was before I lit my hair on fire
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
