it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
