After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
