Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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