He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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