Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
