seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
