Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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