well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
