Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
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