Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Be still, my beating vagina.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
