News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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