1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Never underestimate the power of titties
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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