Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
