You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
