the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
