I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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