It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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