listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
