My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
