the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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