chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
