Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
