There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
