Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
