Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
