NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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