Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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