she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
