Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
