...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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