I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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