If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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