exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
