Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
