if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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