You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
