a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
