I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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