My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
