i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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