Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
