I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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