please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just threw up on my dentist
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
