Need sex. Gaining weight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
