so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Randomize
