I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
